December 22, 2024
Madison Cawthorn is your new political heartthrob

“Being attractive” and “politics” are oil and water.

You get into politics because you look ghastly but still seek power and a steady income.

you know it’s bad when paul ryan’s the only looker in the bunch

Our roster of successful politicians is not one to write home about, featuring a lineup of ghouls in all shapes and sizes that make Roz from Monster’s Inc look like Penthouse.

rocky horror picture show

Men don’t have it any better in politics. There’s a sort of general looks-quotient for the Senate (grey hair, disturbingly-large smile, looks like they could nail a Central Casting role for “neighbor mowing lawn”) and the House (the firing guys from Office Space).

ladies and gentlemen, your state’s Congressmen!

We simply don’t demand much of our politicians these days, and we’re well into the age of television and the internet.

But alas, in the hellscape that is 2020, the seas parted and brought forth a political Adonis, and he is 24-year-old Madison Cawthorn.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CAbV50vDMBz/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

Cawthorn shot up in the headlines this week after winning a North Carolina congressional primary against a Trump-backed candidate to fill Trump’s Chief of Staff’s seat (shoulda been a slam dunk here, boys!)

I’m going to go a step further – whomever’s in charge of Trump’s endorsement list, whether it’s his Chief of Staff or that idiot Koch-backed domestic policy advisor, should be immediately fired.

Someone on Trump’s team saw that race and picked a woman with a bad 90s haircut over a handsome 24-year-old talking about the 2nd Amendment from his wheelchair and they need to lose their job immediately.

no contest

Thankfully, Trump called Cawthorn to congratulate him on his historic victory, because he once again has better instincts than the people he hires (say, didn’t we pick the guy whose big TV gig was firing people for a reason?)

Also – did I mention Madison’s in a wheelchair because of a car accident?

https://www.instagram.com/p/B7w7NLJDUql/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

That’s just plain damn inspirational.  I bump my shin and I’m sidelined for a week, and this kid decided to become a real estate investor and run for Congress.

If all goes well in November, 24-year-old Cawthorn will be the youngest and most attractive member of Congress, ripping that title away from yesterday’s “It Girl”, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

fashy right wing guys hardest hit

And honestly – good on him. We bleat endlessly about young people getting involved in the political process and they get lost in the shuffle to legacy candidates like Rep. Eliot Engel, who was caught on a hot mic admitting to showing up to a constituent event just because he was facing a tough primary.

as a result, engel (right, sickly) lost his primary this week to the king on the left

This isn’t carte-blanche either.

A Representative Cawthorn could still disappoint us, like Dan Crenshaw or the Downton Abbey guy from Illinois who I told people to stop bullying about his sexuality until he flashed his hole all over Grindr.

I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you!

Cawthorn’s already upset the liberal gays at Queerty, who claim:

“There are some who don’t seem to care that he’s clearly not an LGBTQ ally and that, if elected, will likely vote against their best interests”.

All this because Madison included the word “faith” in some of his campaign materials, which Graham Gremore, author of the Queerty hit piece, is apparently allergic to.

it’s never the cute ones who are jealous

But there’s hope among the younger Millennials and Gen-Z.

They’ll feel called to serve, and they’ll need to, because as we’re watching the society they’re set to inherit completely disintegrate before our very eyes, we need all the help we can get.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BsOyCEPgTra/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

hoes be like: “wish I was that pineapple”

https://www.instagram.com/p/ByBw-yqD9Rp/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

folks, Cawthorn’s eligible for President as early as…2032